Really nice people

This weekend I met an old good friend I have in Berlin, who says a lot of different things about several topics. We had a pretty good coffee while walking around at a cemetery in eastern Kreuzberg. We spoke about a varied nature of dates in pandemic times (and lack of them) and there is a particular story still screaming for attention in my mind. It's about a very lonesome woman, still recovering from the realization, compulsory isolation has forced her to, that most daily relationships are easily breakable without a fixed routine and that social media is not replacing the actual connections we are in need of, but mostly draining us; she engaged in online dating at the age of 45 now, but that's not helping much fighting back her feelings of loneliness either. She is not a migrant like myself or this friend of mine, so one could think that without language's misunderstandings there would be no barriers obstructing the communication, but still, some things seem to be immutable, scantiness of transparency being one of them... at the end of the day it's always a matter of how clear people’s intentions are. Or shall we say character?

This lady (who was ok with my friend telling her story)  maintained  a conversation on art and other personal interests, opinions and feelings for a couple of weeks with this nice guy, apparently a famous tattoo designer, till they decided to meet at his place to share a bottle of Chateneuf-du-Pape and appreciate his vinyl collection. She dressed up for the special occasion and even put on some make up under the mask and her best black heels, leaving home unusually lighthearted - times are scarce on actual flesh and blood flirts and it does feel awesome to actually meet someone for real, specially if not working and living alone. The guy turned out to look like he did online - cute, full of style and beautifully dressed and groomed - and he did offer her a glass of the quite expensive wine. The flat was peculiarly good illuminated and she’s known for having a soft spot for pretty chandeliers, at this point the lady could not believe her own luck while elegantly sitting on his green leather armchair holding her breath and sipping the wine. But as they had barely begun to listen to the first record, an old school Ellington, he came up from behind languidly, grabbed her thigh firmly with one hand and let her hair down with another, whispering into her neck that he could hardly wait all day long to finally give it a bite... and there wouldn’t be anything wrong with this picture if it wasn’t for the fact that she wasn’t ready or in the mood for something like that and immediately told him so. From this moment on, things escalated fast.

It’s not a nice story. She told him that she couldn’t imagine herself getting physical right away. He asked her if she would at least do him a blow job because he had thought that the deal was done and he has even been so nice to her. He also said that she had decided to go to his place, so what the hell was she expecting?! He was even still being so nice to her! He kept repeating that. He then tried to seduce her by undressing himself completely and starting to jerk off looking at her. She started to feel really uncomfortable, but too shocked to stand up, dress her coat, grab her things and leave, so she stayed there for a while doing nothing, sitting on the armchair feeling cold and stupid facing his fucking dick. He then started to bargaining for a peep of her tits in exchange for the possibility of her staying there longer listening to another record! She was able to say no, thank you, mentally preparing to leave. This was when he asked her if she was sure that she wanted to reject him and if she really had a clue on how many followers he has on Instagram. Yes, this is true, I swear that I am not lying here. He then asked her very kindly to undress her shirt, which she did, I’m sorry to say. But when he reached for her bra she finally got a grip on herself and left, sadly apologizing for letting him down. Predictably or not, he still called her a cunt.

What strikes me most is how he managed to make her perceive the situation through his perspective, making her feel guilty and useless. She still said to my friend that he wasn’t that bad, because he didn’t really force her to anything and she did go there by choice. I vehemently disagree. He made her believe that he was interested in her person and not only did he make her invest her time, entertaining a conversation that had no chance of going anywhere since the beginning, as he also invited her over for what she thought was an exciting and stimulating date, not for a hot one night stand. This was a trap and it’s simply wrong. Furthermore, he coerced her into thinking that she was responsible for his disappointment and that she should be doing something “small” to compensate him - which she almost did. I wonder what she would have done or allowed to be done to her if she wasn’t experienced, educated and living in Germany since ever. And no, it is not her fault that she was naïf enough to go to a stranger’s house for their first date although she wasn’t interested in any kind of sex or danger (but I certainly hope she is more careful next time). 

On a more trivial level, it is not cool at all to act all nice and warm while one wants to impress someone - it doesn't really matter to which degree - and then suddenly stop being so and turn into ice-cold indifference as soon as the deal is done or the interest is lost. Real kindness is something else and it's also miles away from basic respect, superficial politeness or last century's chivalry (which anyway may feel like a wonderful nicety). 

To let someone think that they matter and allow them to care for you when you’re not really there is one of the most selfish and heartless behaviors I can think of. Unfortunately, I’ve seen it quite a lot everywhere I look at lately. Well, I have news for Mr. Nice Guy and Madam Pleasantry and they’re not even fresh. For full disclosure: if you are a nice person for real, first of all you are nice because that is your truthful nature and not because you’re in need of comfort or an ego massage for a while. Secondly you don't really have to state it, it will become crystal clear with the passage of time. I’ve thought that would be obvious, but life has taught me differently.